Sunday, March 29, 2009

Authenticity....

I have this deep need that swells up every now and then...to clarify and reveal myself in ways that reflect and mirror who I really am....and dispel any misperceptions. I grew up with the quiet and subtle message to never reveal the painful shadows and only what was palatable and looked "pretty and good"...to keep things under control and not let the outside know of the dark struggles that were happening behind closed doors. It often left me with the feeling of being an imposter...for the mask covered what I knew wasn't so beautiful. Although I am blessed to be surrounded with supportive friends, wonderful groups, opportunities and situations that promote healing, I never want that to gloss over or disguise what it means to try to overcome the hurts and soul damage, that we who have been intimately betrayed, live with each day we arise. I know the daily challenge it is to work and push through the internal chaos and rubble left behind from abusive pasts and I never want to be yet one more place for others to feel "less than" or place me on some pedastal and be compared to as one who "has arrived" in any way, shape for form. Some days, in my own life, it is two steps forward then four steps back. The net result overtime is that we do gain positive ground and grasp a little more freedom than we did the last time we were faced with the same issues.

Yes...I am healing... learning...trying...growing. But I also fall short and struggle with the same hurts over and over...and unhealthy ways of coping with those feelings. I too stumble and have to get up again. How grateful I am for authentic community...for friends who see my progress even when I am too overwhelmed to trust and believe...for hands that continue to reach for me even when I pull away, isolate and become scared again. But for you who only know me through the images and words you see here, I feel a responsiblity to hold up a true mirror so that you too will see yourself in that mirror, can relate and know you arn't alone. There is beauty to be found as our hearts heal. But I am an imperfect vessel, a fellow travelor who just longs to forge a path...one that is real, healthy and true...that is safe for others to travel but doesn't disguise its difficult terrain. So it blesses me when I am seen as one who inspires...but I so hope that blessing always comes after you have seen the truth of who I am...a fellow wounded one in the process of healing...imperfect but hopefully real...never hiding who I am not....and humbly revealing who I long and hope to be. Pedastals are far places to fall from. I have mercifully learned that no one should ever be placed on one. I just hope we can all sit in the space that is called "eye to eye". Humanity is really the great leveler. We are all so much more alike than we are different. Judgement and lofty pedestals can get in the way of that truth. I hope today your visit reminds you that in your hurts, struggles, insecurities, doubts and challenges... you are not alone. Behind beautiful masks often are the carefully disguised realties of living in a world that is not so perfect. I long to live without that mask...no matter how hard it is to reveal the truth and to expose the hurts and shadows. I hope here you find a place where there is no measuring up or comparing yourself. I hope that in my presence...in the presence of these words, images, stories and art...your authentic breath can be fully released...and there is no need to hold up that burdensome mask.

8 comments:

Lila said...

Lani,
Will our hearts every truly heal? Will I ever feel like an adult instead of that tiny little five year old that is always hiding behind shutters in my mind? You are able to put into words for me what my mind will not acknowledge. Thank you from the pain in my heart. Lila

Joyfulsister said...

Hi Lani,
I wrote about a controlling spirit on my blog, and a lot of what you say here on this post I can relate. I thank the Lord for your honesty and courage and openess to share with us. When I found your blog I loved the way you express yourself and your blog title just confirms how you express yourself through words of healing and art. My husband had a very abusive childhood and he expresses himself through music, he is such a gifted pianist and people say his music touches their souls and they find peace just listening.I don't know why the Lord allows us tgo go through so much suffering at times in our childhood, but oneday maybe he will reveal it all in his time. All I know is that the more we share, we seem to go through a healing. Maybe not fully till we see God face to face, but enough to get us through this journey we call life.

Hugz Lorie

Staci Danford said...

There are just not the right words to express how thankful I am that I have found you in this world of BLOG. You have so inpired me to "let go" of the past that haunts and start with a fresh knowledge that God knows the bigger picture. So many times early sexual sin cuases a life of insecrity and promiscuity only to leave you with more guilt and shame. I wrote a blog today and in my heart.. I owe the freedom to set the past free to you..
May God continue to bless and heal you.
Staci

JuliaRose said...

Dear Lani,
Your words are golden gems...Thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts..when I looked at the little girl with the curtain, it actually hurt to look at her, as I know it connects to a deep part of me...thank you for being you...xx

Healing Expressions said...

Thank you for your heart Lila....I was able to send a few words to the others who commented and wanted to be sure I reached to the "pain in your heart" and let you now I believe one day those little places will heal..and grow...in the meantime they are held in God's merciful arms!

Connie said...

Thank you Lani

Connie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lesley Glenn said...

WOW WOW WOW...i just happened upon your blog and WOW! You have written so eloquently what my heart and soul have been crying out for the past 10 months. This past year has been the most challenging of years for me in so many different ways...lies, deceit, betrayals, death of dreams, etc, etc.... I am a mixed media artist as well and long to express my healing in my art, but have been fearful to venture back into my studio to create...its been a LONG time. I plan to follow your blog and grab ahold of the hope you give and share. Thank you.